Expecting Miracle

Two years since my last post on the blog. So many great things happen in this two amazing years that I forgot to post anything, at least in this blog. Walaupun update-an status di fesbuk sih teteup. So many things that I am so grateful for.

Yang pertama, akhirnya suami gue berhasil pindah ke Jawa Bulan April 2015, and we finally have a normal marriage like other people. Like, seriously. Having our first time living together in Jogja is kinda taste of blessings Alloh gave in our life. Since, kata saha eta poho deui, every corner of Jogja is a romantic place. So yes, I am so grateful we finally have a chance to be a real husband and wife there. We find our evenings going around the city, just enjoying the Jogja traffic, or buy happening foods that I saw on instagram. We go to traditional market every weekend for me to cook him special dishes, and just simply enjoy the moments of us cuddling with the baby for the rest of the day. And living together for 11 months with husband make me learn so many new things. I learn that happiness is as simple as waiting for him to come home every evening, just hear the voice of his old Vespa, and seeing the baby smiling in front of the door, recognizing the Vespa sound, calling, "Ayah! Pispa!". Or seeing the husband eat the foods I cooked like a kuli bangunan hasn't seen food for days. Yes, happiness is that simple, and I am the luckiest to have him on daily basis. Life became so much easier, and simpler when I have him around.

We're riding becak in Malioboro, one of the way we spend days together

Yang kedua, of course, seeing the baby growing so well and have most of my time with her. Never knew that witnessing her growing could warm my heart on a way that nothing, or no one else could. Kuliah was like my part time job, since my full time job is being Dinda's mother and a wife for husband. Dan seneng banget gue bisa menyusui sampai Dinda lulus S2 ASI, gue ada saat dia tumbuh gigi pertama, merangkak pertama kali, langkah dia pertama kalipun gue ada di sana. I love the way she's always looking for me, walaupun cuman gue tinggal ke dapur atau ke kamar mandi. I love that I am the first person she wants when she opens her eyes. And I feel like I am the happiest mother on earth.

At Gembiraloka Zoo, udah jalan tertatih-tatih

At some point I got stressed out too, though. Yaahh di tengah ekspektasi gue ke diri sendiri untuk jadi Ibu dan istri terbaik, at least giving the best version of myself for these two people I love, I still have to deal with the kuliah thingy, tugas-tugas kelompok, ujian yang jarak waktunya mepet karena program beasiswa yang gue ambil ini adalah program akselerasi yang mengharapkan kami bisa beres dalam waktu 15 bulan. Ada banyak waktu dimana gue mendadak tertimpa 'musibah' menjelang waktu-waktu penting perkuliahan kayak ujian, atau presentasi, bahkan menjelang seminar akhir. Yang si bayi luar biasa mendadak kena sawan lah, bayi mendadak rewel luar biasa dan gabisa disambi bikin kuliah thingy lah, yang catetan ujian ketinggalan di Semarang dan gue baru sadar tengah malem sebelum ujian lah, yang pas jatah ujian open book dan open laptop gue malah ga bawa buku maupun laptop lah. Dan jangan ditanya berapa kali gue telat masuk ujian, atau berapa banyak gue absen dalam satu mata kuliah. Tapi hal baik ketiga yang terjadi pada gue adalah, gue bisa lulus cukup tepat waktu. Dengan predikat Cumlaude. It feels like Alloh showers me with blessings and whatsoever, you name it. 

Lulus!

Hal menyenangkan ketiga yang terjadi selama dua tahun terakhir ini adalah, selama kuliah gue tinggal di Jogja.Artinya gue punya lebih banyak frekuensi untuk berkumpul with this bunch of people I love the most. Ini semacam pengganti waktu-waktu yang hilang selama gue pergi merantau ke Bogor di tahun 2005-2010, dan ke Makassar selama tahun 2011 sampai 2014 awal. And I feel so blessed that I always have their back to support me no matter how hard the circumstances is.

My life support

But then the good dreams suddenly must be over. Lulus kuliah, gue harus kembali lagi ke Makassar, yang artinya gue harus LDM-an (lagi!!!!) dengan suami gue. Awalnya gue pikir semua akan mudah. Gue LDMan, tapi si bayi sama bibik ikut gue ke Makassar, gue bisa melanjutkan menyusui Dinda sampai genap 24 bulan sambil tetap bekerja, sementara kalau waktunya udah tepat gue akan mengajukan pindah sama big boss, gue pindah, dan semua bahagia. Ternyata sampai di Makassar, nggak semuanya berjalan sesuai dengan keinginan dan cita-cita gue. 

Dinda cuman sempat gue bawa selama seminggu di Makassar. A very hard traumatic week for me, if I may add. Entah penyesuaian atau apa, she constantly crying and demanding for my 100% attention. I could not put her down (unless she would got tantrum), she cried for no reason (she cried when we enter the new house, she cried when we enter my office, she cried when seeing my colleagues, she basically cried all the time), she didn't sleep well at night, and she refuse to eat anything. Hari keempat di Makassar Dinda demam tinggi dalam kondisi nyokap gue udah kembali ke Semarang dan keesokan harinya giliran mas bojo  harus kembali ke Jogja. Dan keadaan tidak semakin membaik. Malam-malam berikutnya, tengah malam Dinda terjaga, minta gue pakai kerudung lengkap dan bawa dompet, and she's asking for home. That was just so stressful for me and her. Gue frustasi, the bibik could not help me at all, and my daughter seemed tortured. So this is it. I must bring her home.

Seminggu di sana, dan gue pulang. Dinda's doing so well in home. Sampai di Jogja dia bisa tidur tenang, meskipun masih agak sulit makan. Begitu kami tiba di Semarang kondisi Dinda semakin membaik. She sleeps well, she eats well, and she looks happy. Pada akhirnya gue harus mengambil keputusan. Berdasarkan saran mamah dan ibu mertua, Dinda akhirnya harus disapih dengan harapan itu akan memperbaiki nafsu makannya karena selama ini Dinda memang lebih suka menyusu dibanding makan. At this point, my heart bleed. Gue berusaha mati-matian menyusui Dinda selama ini supaya dia bisa mendapatkan haknya penuh selama dua tahun, dan gue harus berhenti karena ini. I feel helpless, I feel hopeless. I feel like I am a terrible mother. Ini mungkin perkara sepele bagi banyak orang, but not for me. Providing Dinda with best nutrition, dalam hal ini ASI, is my main concern. And it is just hurt to suddenly stop nursing her after every struggle I did in the past. It was only two months left, and I must give up.

What breaks me the most is, I also have to leave her in my parent's house because her weight is just too low. Dan dokter bilang dia harus mengejar ketertinggalan berat badan sebelum usianya menginjak dua tahun, just to make sure that her organs development will run well if the weight is adequate. Dan itu akan sulit dilakukan kalo Dinda gue bawa ke Makassar because I have to go to work and her bibik of course cannot take care of her that well without my supervision. So I am not only have to stop nursing my baby, but also have to be separated with her, I don't quite know for how long. It feels like my whole world torn apart that I have to live away from baby, husband, and my whole family. I am like living an empty world of my own carrying a load that too heavy with everyone is like a disturbing noise for me.

I go to work, but my mind is outta nowhere. Saat pulang ke kosan, gue dengan delusionalnya masih selalu pumping dengan harapan ASI gue ga akan cepat mengering, dengan harapan gue masih akan bisa menyusui Dinda saat pulang nanti. Yang membahagiakan adalah di rumah Dinda doing so well. She's doing so easy with my family. She just adapt so fast with my absence. She eats well, dan dia bisa tidur hanya dengan digaruk punggungnya. I am so proud of you, Nak. I am sorry I haven't been strong enough for you. I (still) wish that in the end everything will be okay, like always. Since Alloh never let me down in my whole life. 

Anyhow, I am now expecting a miracle.

Compromising Dreams

Pagi-pagi tanggal 26 Mei 2014 kemarin dapet telpon dari MEP UGM yang mengabarkan kalo gue diterima masuk untuk melanjutkan master di situ. Langsung seneng banget karena udah dari minggu lalunya gue harap-harap cemas nunggu pengumuman aplikasi beasiswa Bappenas gue. Belum ada pengumuman resmi dari Bappenas sebagai pihak yang memberikan beasiswa, but show must go on, karena pihak kampus melampirkan persyaratan yang harus dilengkapi untuk keperluan daftar ulang. Dan pengumuman resmi yang gue tunggu baru tiba tanggal 3 Juni 2014 lewat email dan sms.

Gratitude.

That's what I actually feel right now. Kembali ke sekitar 6 bulan yang lalu, saat gue sedikit nyesek karena nama gue ga ada di pemanggilan peserta tes gelombang pertama Bappenas. Gue masih hamil 4 bulanan. Gue berpikir, ampun deh, masak iya seleksi administrasi aja nggak lolos. But then Alloh turned my world upside down waktu tiba-tiba gue dipanggil tes gelombang kedua di Bulan Maret 2014, padahal gue nggak mengirimkan aplikasi lagi karena berpikir mau concern dengan kehamilan gue waktu itu. And everything just seems so fast and plainly smooth. Dari proses dipanggil tes TPA, tes TOEFL, sampai akhirnya gue menerima email dan list yang nama gue terpampang di sana. Dengan nilai yang nggak malu-maluin, if I may add. Hihihi, narsis dikit :) Meskipun akhirnya gue harus puas diterima di pilihan ketiga gue karena pilihan pertama dan kedua gue, yang merupakan program sandwich setahun di dalam dan setahun di luar negeri, ga tersedia di tahun ini. Which, andaikan gue memaksa untuk ambil program tersebut gue harus nunggu tahun depan, itupun kalo ada.

Sebenernya sih gue ga bisa dibilang orang yang suka banget sekolah, mengingat masa-masa kuliah S1 gue lebih banyak diisi sama kulineran sekitaran Bogor, nonton dvd bajakan tiap hari, atau bahkan tidur-tidur unyu di kosan kalo lagi ga mood kuliah. But going to school again, for free? Dibayar pula? Bisa deket sama orangtua pula? Like, seriously? Mau banget laahh pastinya..

Dan sekali lagi, gue diingatkan untuk percaya, bahwa rencana Tuhan itu yang paling indah, bahwa Alloh tuh ternyata paling tau kapan waktu yang tepat untuk kita. Gue mendadak dipanggil untuk aplikasi yang sebelumnya udah ditolak adalah cara Alloh mempersiapkan diri gue untuk waktu yang tepat. Gue dipanggil tes setelah bisa beradaptasi banget sama kehamilan dan menjelang melahirkan dalam keadaan udah cuti, jadi persiapan gue bisa lebih fokus dan matang.

Moral story yang gue dapat, dalam hidup kita harus selalu punya impian. Tahun 2010, waktu baru lulus kuliah, gue pernah nulis target-target yang harus gue capai dalam hidup. Salah satunya adalah sekolah lagi di luar negeri, 3 tahun setelah bekerja. Well, tahun ini tepat 3 tahun gue bekerja, dan meskipun gue melanjutkan sekolah di dalam negeri, at least gue diterima di one of the best university in this country. Gue jadi inget pernah baca tulisan kayak gini entah dimana : Put your dreams in the highest star, if you fall, moon is not a bad place to land. Yang kurang lebih gue maknai dengan taroh cita-cita setinggi-tingginya, karena kalaupun kita ga berhasil, we'll end up in somewhat better place compare to a place we'll belong if we don't have any star to put our dreams on.

Last moral story, gue belajar, bahwa menjadi Ibu, menjadi istri, kadang mengharuskan kita untuk mengkompromikan mimpi-mimpi yang pernah kita punya saat sebelum menyandang status-status itu. Seperti yang gue jalani kemarin, gue memilih hunting beasiswa dalam negeri (or at least, sandwich), instead of menjalani mimpi gue dulu untuk bisa kuliah di luar negeri, karena gue ingin bisa fokus mengasuh Dinda. Karena menikah dan punya anak adalah pilihan gue. Pilihan yang akhirnya mengharuskan gue untuk siap dengan segala konsekuensinya. Termasuk mengkompromikan target dan impian. Do I feel sorry? Nope. Being a wife, and being a mother, specifically, maybe one of the best thing ever happen to me. So, I just do what it takes to be a good mother for my little one. If it's including compromising my dreams, so be it. Dan gue jelas harus bersyukur untuk apa yang Alloh berikan dalam hidup gue. Great family, loving and supporting husband, good job, sincere friends, pretty little daughter, and now THIS? Really couldn't ask for more. My life's perfectly complete! Thanks to YOU, Good Lord, My Alloh :)

Someday I Will Miss This Day

Someday, I will miss this day, this moment when I'm still your only one person to depend on, the person you looking for when you get hungry or when your pants get peed..

Someday, I will miss this day, this moment when I hold your tiny hand while holding you in my arm, looking at every detail of your face, and being amazed of how God creates you too beautifully..

Someday, I will miss this day, this moment, knowing that God sends me you little baby, as a bless in my life, feeding my hungry pathetic soul..

Someday, I will miss this day, this moment, hearing you cry out loud for attention, that funny crying face you make, that punch you do when you feel mad, dear you my Little Grumpy ..

Someday, I will miss this day, this moment of watching you sleeping peacefully and in my lucky day, maybe also could watch you laughing in your sleep with that toothless tiny mouth..

Someday, I will miss this day, this moment when I become the first person you see when you wake up, the first person who see that wonderful sparkling eye I'm so in love with, that glance in your eyes I adore so much..

Someday, I will miss this day, this moment when we're surrounded by family who support us and love us wholeheartedly. We're so lucky, aren't we?

Someday I will miss this day, remembering this very moment while I become grey. And I'm no longer the first person in your life. And you busy growing up. Busy building your own life, hey you the true love of my life..

 

Someday I will miss this day, this moment, though I know you maybe couldn't remember any of this

Before that someday someday come, I wanna tell you something ; there may will be so many moment when you can't understand the way I love you or how much I do, cause this huge love I am bearing right now for you, will only be understood when you have your own tiny creature calling you Ibu..

A Countless Blessing

Sejak melahirkan jadi sama sekali ga kepikiran update blog ini, boro deh, mau merawat diri aja ga sempet. Pokus jadi sapi buat Little Kicker *kibas2 ekor*. A lil bit too late ya sebenernya buat ngepost tentang proses kelahiran Lil Kicker, since she's already 3 weeks old by now. Tapi tenang aja atmosfer dan ngilunya masih kebayang kok sampe sekarang. Here's the story..

Dari awal ambil cuti dan pulang ke kampung halaman di Semarang mulai kehamilan 35 minggu, gue udah milih buat melahirkan sama Dr. Syarief Taufik. Dokter ini yang pertama meriksa kehamilan gue saat gue awal tau kalo hamil. Dan gue milih dia berdasarkan review beberapa orang yang pernah sama dia. Dan ngerasain juga sih, he's good dan komunikatif.

Masalah melahirkan ini sebenernya PR banget lah buat gue, dengan ambang rasa sakit gue yang teramat rendah, dan emang dari sononya udah cemen, antara melahirkan normal dan SC sebenernya bukan pilihan banget lah. Eyatapi gimana donk, ga mungkin juga kan gue bersin tau-tau bayinya mencelat dari lubang idung. Yakali. Long story short, karena kondisi mata gue yang beresiko kalo melahirkan normal, Dokter Syarief merekomendasikan gue untuk menjalani sectio. Karena emang udah diniatin sectio, beliau juga bilang nggak perlu nunggu mules. Dan setelah berdiskusi dengan para sesepuh, serta memperhitungkan weton yang bagus buat Lil Kicker, diputuskanlah bahwa gue akan melahirkan di tanggal 23 April 2014.

Tanggal 22 sore, when I still give my last shot buat bisa lairan pake BPJS, gue ditelpon oleh pihak Paviliun Garuda RSDK Semarang bahwa kamar pesenan gue udah ready. Soal BPJS ini lain waktu gue share deh, drama banget dan akhirnya ga make juga. Selepas maghrib, gue dianter ke rumah sakit sama mama, papa, mas bojo, dan adek perempuan gue. Malemnya gue nginep ditunggui oleh mas bojo. Sekitar jam 10, perawat jaga ngasih baju yang harus gue pakai saat menjelang operasi dan ngasih tau bahwa gue harus puasa mulai jam 2 malam.

Tanggal 23 pagi, mulai cemas, takut banget pokoknya. Jam 7 kurang keluarga udah kumpul di RS, dan pas jam 7 gue digledek ke ruang operasi. Waktu itu udah stres berat deh, pengen ditemenin mama atau suami tapi gabisa (yaiyalah). Mana kacamata udah harus dilepas sebelum masuk ruang operasi. Jadilah gue wanita rabun yang ketakutan dan teronggok pasrah di dalam ruang operasi. And during those time gue menyesali episode-episode Grey's Anatomy yang gue tonton, cause they didn't help at all. Yang ada bikin gue tambah tegang. I cursed you Derek Sheperd, Meredith Grey, Christina Yang, and Alex Karev!!!!

Masuk ke ruang operasi, gue ketemu dengan dokter anestesi gue. Ya karena emang cemen udah tegang gue minta dibikin tidur aja selama operasi. Tapi dokter bilang nanti bayinya jadi ga bisa nangis karena efek biusnya. But she promised, she'd make me sleep as soon as the sectio procedure had been done. Gue dipasangi alat-alat, oksigen, dan segera setelah itu gue disuntik dan dipasang kateter. Kaki gue awalnya kesemutan sebelum akhirnya I no longer could feel my own feet.

Beberapa perawat dan dokter pendamping ngajak ngomong gue terus selama operasi berlangsung, which was perasaan ga terlalu lama karena gue kemudian ngedenger suara tangis Lil Kicker. Kenceng abis, bok. It was an amazing moment, karena diantara setengah teler akibat bius gue masih ngerasain perasaan haru, I am mother right now! Tepat jam 8.23 in the morning of 23th April 2014. Gue cuma dikasih tau bahwa anak gue perempuan sebelum anak gue dibawa untuk dibersihkan. Rencana gue untuk melakukan IMD? Well, IMD? Apa itu IMD??*throw all the theories out of the window*

Gue ditaroh di ruang pemulihan entah buat berapa lama. Karena hari itu suasananya remang-remang. Alah. Hahaha. Ya gimana gue setengah sadar setengah enggak, bius yang katanya bakal menidurkan gue setelah bayi gue dikeluarin cuman sukses bikin gue setengah teler, bahkan gue baru bisa jam 2 malem keesokan harinya. Mungkin dokternya harus kasih bius dosis gorila baru gue bisa tidur nyenyak. Setelah dirasa cukup pulih, gue dibawa keluar untuk ketemu keluarga gue, dengan bayi perempuan mungil yang ditaroh di pelukan gue.

Pas ketemu keluarga gue, yang pertama kali gue minta adalah, kacamata mana kacamataaaa!! Hahaha ga tahan banget semuanya serasa buram. Then I saw her face for the very first time. Dan perasaan mengharu biru di ruang operasi tadi sirna sudah jadi perasaan takut sama makhluk ini. Damn it, hormones! Perasaan takut ini makin menjadi-jadi setelah gue denger suara tangisnya yang luar biasa keras. Ini anak latihan vokal kali ya selama di dalem perut. Dan makin parah setelah gue menyusui dia pertama kali jam 6 sore harinya. (Maafin Ibu ya, Nak). Setelah menyusui perdana itu, gue bawannya panas dingin kalo denger anak ini nangis, deg-degan dan parno abis, cause frankly, breastfeeding is much much more hurting than I thought it would.

But did I give up? Enggak doonnkk.. Sampe dengan gue nulis postingan ini, meski masih struggle dengan segala susahnya breastfeeding, I still try to give my best for this Lil Kicker yang udah nemenin gue selama 38 minggu 3 hari di dalem perut ini. By the way, persalinan SC sakit atau enggak sih? Well, the nightmare began saat efek biusnya ilang. Sakit bangeettt!! Sampe nggak kebayang harus melalui sakit yang kayak gini lagi dalam jangka waktu dekat. *kontrasepsi mana kontrasepsiiii!!!*

Oh iya, dan by the way, she's no longer Lil Kicker, she has name right now! Setelah berdiskusi panjang lebar dan cakar-cakaran sama Ayahnya, kami sepakat menamai gadis ini Diandra Arrumaisha Qurrota A'yun. Diandra diambil dari bahasa Perancis yang artinya berkemauan keras, bisa juga gabungan dari Dian (lentera/cahaya) dan Andra (kuat). Ar-Rumaisha itu nama shahabiyah nabi, pernah baca juga artinya membawa kedamaian, sedangkan Qurrota A'yun artinya penyejuk pandangan. Jadi, melalui nama ini gue dan suami gue berharap anak ini akan jadi anak berkemauan keras yang membawa kedamaian dan menjadi penyejuk pandangan bagi orang-orang di sekitarnya. Aamiin..

Welcome to the world Baby Dee, you're just a tiny creature for the world, but for me and your Ayah you really are the world :)

Counting Days

Dear Lil Kicker, nanti setelah kamu lahir, Ibu pasti bakal kangen waktu-waktu seperti ini. Saat kita menikmati waktu kita berdua, you and me. Me watching my favorite TV serials, and you dance inside my tummy. Dan kebahagiaan yang Ibu rasakan saat melihat perut Ibu bergerak saat kamu bergerak? That one of a happiness not every person in this world would feel. Dan Ibu bahagia saat ini Ibu bisa merasakannya.

Ibu ga sabar pengen ketemu, Nak. I want to touch you, hold you in my arms. Tapi ada kekhawatiran bahwa saat kamu lahir nanti, dengan semakin tumbuh besarnya kamu nanti, Ibu ga akan bisa lagi bareng2 sama kamu 24h a day, 7days a week kayak sekarang. Ga bisa selalu meyakinkan bahwa kamu akan baik2 aja seperti sekarang. Just to think about that make me feel so fragile you know..

(image taken from here)

Maafin kecengengan Ibu ya, Nak.. Ibu saat ini sedang meyakinkan diri sendiri bahwa kekhawatiran yang saat ini Ibu rasakan, ga akan sebanding dengan kebahagiaan Ibu melihat kamu bertumbuh. Melihat gigi pertamamu tumbuh, melihat langkah pertamamu, melihatmu masuk sekolah, melihatmu menikah. Tuh kan, nulis begini aja bikin Ibumu nangis. *sob*

Don't grow up too fast ya, Nak. But if you do grow up as fast as I think you will, janji sama Ibu ya Nak, you'll grow up well and take a very good care of yourself like I do during my pregnancy. You really are my precious. Don't let others bully you, stand for what you believe.

You may fall, but don't fall too hard because maybe I can't always be there to catch your fall. And I'm afraid you'll get hurt too bad. And if one day you find your own life, and build your future while me and your Ayah are getting older, tolong sesekali menoleh ke arah kami ya, Nak. Ceritakan sama kami tentang hidupmu. Tanyakan ke kami soal keadaan kami.

Ah, terlalu jauh ya Nak, Ibu menulis begini. Mungkin Ibu terlalu khawatir. Yang penting kamu tumbuh sehat ya Nak, sampai ketemu 2-3 minggu lagi. I'm so excited yet afraid at the same time now that the time till I finally meet you for the very first time is only few days left. You know how much I love you, kid? Much enough that I'd give up my life for you..

Semarang, April 8th 2014

36w2d pregnancy, can no longer blame the hormone, it's the mother instinct speaking

Love Letter for My Little Kicker

Pas banget 32 minggu pregnancy ini, saya terinspirasi mau nulis surat cinta buat Lil Kicker, since I am a melodramatic mom-to-be and it seems like everybody's doing it. So here it goes..

Hello kiddo, it's been 8 months and two days that you are here inside me. And it's such a bless for Ayah and Ibu knowing that based our last doctor visit you are growing healthily. Biarpun dokter bilang Ibu harus diet gara-gara badanmu udah kegendutan padahal posisi kamu di perut Ibu masih sungsang. But it's okay kiddo, take your time. I believe you'll know what to do :)

First of all Ibu and Ayah would like to thank you, you know, for being here. Dulu karena nggak pernah kebayang sama Ibu harus menjalani kehamilan sendirian tanpa Ayahmu di samping Ibu, Ibu sempat menunda kehamilan di awal pernikahan dan mengalami that whole bleeding things yang Ibu akan ceritakan sama kamu in person, one day when you've understood everything.

Sampai akhirnya Ibu dan Ayah menyadari that we wanted you real bad, so we stopped the program. Dan tiga bulan setelahnya, I didn't get my period. You were there! I could tell you when and where we made you it happen, but that kind of detail, I'm sure you really don't wanna know. The most important thing is, you were there, so yay to that!

The Day We Know That You Were Here :")

Awalnya Ibu berpikir Ibu nggak akan sanggup menjalani kehamilan with this whole long distance marriage thingy still going on between me and your Ayah. But you know what Nak? You make me stronger. Day by day, knowing that I had this tiny creature growing inside the womb. Knowing that this creature depends its' life on me. How scary is that? So thanks again Nak, you make us have this urge of being a better people for you. 

Nanti, saat kamu udah besar, there are things I would love you to do, Nak..

Know your God. Worship HIM. That's the most important thing to do. Cause HE is the reason of us being here today, with all the countless blessings.

Love your self, do the passions of your life, and be best at those things. Ayah and Ibu won't force you to be the person you are not. Karena kamu nggak berhutang apapun pada Ayah dan Ibu, Nak. So feel free to live life the way you would.

Respect all of your family members. Only family who will always be there to catch you when you fall.

Be kind and sincere to others. Cause kindness and sincerity are hard things to find nowadays. But don't bother with other's judgment towards you. People do that all the time. Judging. So don't waste your energy on how people think about you. Never try to impress anyone. Just be kind.

Don't judge others easily. You don't walk in their shoes. If there's something you don't like about them just smile politely, and leave them alone.

Go to new places, meet new people, explore new things. Pengalaman akan membuat kamu kaya, percaya deh, sama Ibu. Mungkin ga semua tempat yang kamu datangi ramah dan ga semua orang yang kamu temui baik. Tapi akan banyak pelajaran yang kamu bisa ambil dari mereka. And that's, will definitely make you a better person I know you'll be.

Be honest. Not too bold like me, learn to speak your mind gracefully.

Believe in your self. You can do awesome things. Just because people doubt you, it doesn't mean you can't do it. Just put it in your mind, and do your best to achieve it. I believe you can. I know you can. 

Watch TV serials with me, and go to the museum with your Ayah. That's how we enjoy our time, and we'd appreciate if you would join us.

Don't be that kind of norak kids who cried in the mall when they don't get the things they want from their parents. Nor those norak kids who keep running and screaming in their parents' office. Nor those norak kids who can't manage themselves di tempat umum. Itu bikin orang lain terganggu, dan bikin orang tua kamu dikira nggak bisa mendidik anaknya. So just don't ya, Kid! 

Have good sense of humor. Hidup kadang ga terlalu ramah sama kita, Nak. A lil sense of humor will save the day eventually. 

Have good taste of music. Serious. You can't get it from your Ayah though, but you can still get it from me. Hehehe.

Don't be afraid to be failed. Failure hurts, I know. But again, you still can learn a lot from it. 

Falling in love. Sometimes it takes some time to find the right person. Sometimes it could also hurt us outta hell before we reach the destination, but then, the hurts will fade as the time past, but the sweet memories remain. Make you able to love the right person even better :)

Don't stop to give your Ayah a hug. This is important. Cause no matter how you've grew up, for him you'll always be his Lil Girl.

Understand that kadang mungkin kami akan melarang kamu melakukan beberapa hal, tapi percaya sama Ibu, it's because we love you too much. 

So love us. Don't stop doing that. Don't stop doing that. 

The list still goes on as you grow, Kid. Dan jangan lelah ya, there are things that I would you to learn about this life. Untuk sekarang, Ibu cuma berdoa supaya kamu selalu sehat sampai kita ketemu nanti. For now, I need you to learn to kick, and punch, and dance inside my womb, exercising your muscles. Meanwhile, Ayah and Ibu will prepare everything for your arrival. It's time for me to end this letter and stated the obvious : we love you, Lil Kicker.. You are the world to us.

Sweet Surprise on Wedding Anniversary

Okek, hari Minggu tanggal 22 Februari 2014 kandungan gue tepat berusia 30 minggu! *salto 100x*

Update dulu deh kondisi gue di umur kehamilan 30 minggu ini, sekarang berat Lil Kicker udah 1,5 kilo, dan gerakannya makin berasa seiring dengan kondisi gue yang makin gampang ngap-ngapan. Tapi nyeri tulang ekor yang menjalar sampe punggung dan kaki bagian belakang udah lenyap. Pun penyakit susah tidur yang selama bulan ke 6-7 kemaren menghantui gue. Sekarang tidur gatau kenapa lebih nyaman. Bahkan bawaannya pengen tidur terus.

Bersamaan dengan usia kehamilan yang masuk ke minggu ke 31 ini juga gue dan suami harusnya merayakan ulang tahun pernikahan yang pertama di tanggal 24 Februari. Ciyeehh ulang tahun pernikahan. Kenapa gue bilang seharusnya? Ya karena berhubung duit udah terkuras abis gara-gara mesti beli tiket pas tragedi nujuh bulanan yang gue pernah ceritain di sini, akhirnya gue dan suami mesti berhemat ekstra. Apalagi harus ada cicilan yang mesti dibayar. Jadi diputuskanlah kita baru akan ketemu tanggal 15 Maret waktu mas suami ulang tahun.

Such a record deh sepanjang pernikahan ini kalo sampe kami nggak ketemu hampir 2 bulan. Jadi ya gitu. Cuman bisa chatting nelangsa-nelangsaan dan kirim-kiriman poto via whatsapp ngalah-ngalahin abege alay. Memulai hari ini dengan penuh kebetean gara-gara wiken dan ga diapelin mantan pacar, menjelang dhuhur saat gue lagi males-malesan di kasur, tiba-tiba gue denger suara salam dari luar rumah yang miriiippp banget sama suara mas suami. Gue pikir, ah, mimpi kali. Tapi pas suara salam diulangin dua kali, gue spontan lompat dari kasur, ngebuka pintu, dan there he is!

Dengan kondisi rambut lepek, belum sikat gigi, dan belum mandi selama hampir dua belas jam, gue meluk dia. Dan mewek *blaming the hormones stream again*. Bukan apa-apa, suami gue sebenernya bukan tipe orang yang romantis. Seriusan deh, jaman pacaran aja dia lebih suka bawa gue ke museum daripada ngedate romantis candle light dinner ala-ala di tipi-tipi. Lagian nggak kepikiran banget dia bakal tiba-tiba kasih surprise dan pulang ke Makassar minggu ini. And for me, this kind of surprise worth a lot more than fancy things he could buy me instead.

Ngedate ala Mas Suami Jaman Pacaran di Museum Fatahillah -___-

Another Date at Benteng Rotterdam Makassar (sorry for the blurry pict)

As I write this post, my husband's now sleeping. Ternyata dia ke Makassar dalam kondisi demam tinggi. And it touches my heart that he still have this effort to surprise me in our wedding anniversary. Remind me, why I fall for him. His devoted sincere love he did and still does shower me with. So I said to my moving tummy:

You are lucky Lil Kicker, you will have this great father in your life. Nanti kalo nyari jodoh yang kayak Ayah ya, yang sayang banget sama kamu kayak Ayah sayang sama Ibu :")

So, do I have a perfect-like-a-romantic movies marriage? No, my marriage nggak juga bebas hambatan sih. We argue a lot like other normal couple, we disagree on many things. In fact, we're just two ordinary people with a very different personality. One thing for sure is, no matter how hard we fight, we always find a way to get back to each other. Dan gue berharap ini akan berlangsung sepanjang hidup gue dan dia.

After Akad, 24th February 2013

So here we are on our first wedding anniversary. Gue nggak berharap pernikahan yang bahagia di sepanjang jalan, because in real life there's no such thing. Gue hanya berharap, seberat apapun ujian yang gue dan dia hadapi, we will always stick together. Like our wedding vow, till death do us apart. Happy anniversary my husband, my imam, the father of my unborn-yet-daughter. May Alloh blessings upon our family. I love you, you know I do :)

The Day When I Take You as My Imam :)

 Makassar, 22 Februari 2014